You Are Not Your House or Your Credit Score: Hope in a Tough Economy
Written by Lori Pollard
Perhaps more than ever it is the time to ask, “What do I want to do with my life that would truly bring me happiness?” People are losing jobs, houses, material possessions, and perhaps what I think for some is most devastating - their identity. We have economists, banks, politicians and everyday people looking for who’s to blame, as though this will help to alleviate the fear of uncertainty. I don’t mean to minimize people’s reactions to our current economic situation, because I think it’s perfectly natural to feel afraid, sad and/or angry, but I could also make the argument that what’s happened could be our big chance to make some exciting, life changing decisions- depending on how willing we are to see it this way. Some may call it crises, but I like to call it, “perfect timing.”
Let me ask you something. Before the decline of the economy were you truly happy because you were doing what you loved doing, and where you loved living and truly enjoying the things you were buying, or were you happy because this is what you’ve been taught to believe success and happiness were supposed to look like? If you’ve defined happiness in this way, and you are now losing these things, no wonder some people feel as though they’re losing their identities.
Personally, when we were in better economic times I could feel the frenetic energy of people working, spending, striving and buying more and more. The frenetic energy of fear that I’m witnessing now, ironically feels very similar to me. I have nothing against success or things, especially if it brings you some pleasurable experiences. However, I think that it is too big of a price to pay when you make these very temporary things a measure of who you are, and your overall happiness. The price being a whole lot of debt and responsibility to maintain a certain lifestyle, as well as a loss of perspective of what truly defines you as a person and brings you happiness, not just fleeting feelings of pleasure. How long did you allow yourself to feel peaceful and happy with your latest toy, bigger house and thriving business before you started feeling stress about how to maintain what you just acquired? How many of us used that time of wealth to pay things off and love what we already had, so we could focus on what we say are important like; peace of mind, freedom and time with our family and friends? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting judging you if you have debt. Personally I think the blame/shame perspective is counter- productive, and a complete waste of time. I’m no Suzie Orman , and quite frankly, I think ole Suzie’s been in the lab too long. I think a lot of people used our time of affluence to go after more, because I think this is just human nature, and what we’ve been taught will bring us a better quality of life. I believe what is happening right now allows us to pay attention to three important points: 1) more and newer is not necessarily the key to short or long term happiness, because it also creates more load and responsibility. 2) if you were doing what you really loved doing in your career and your personal life, isn’t it possible that you could really be happy without all that stuff now? And lastly, if your former way of living wasn’t really the definition of happiness for you, then there is no need for an identity “crises”, because you have the opportunity to get straight with what really is important to you. There’s no need to feel loss, because you have what’s important right in front of you. You can feel more control and grateful right now.
I honestly believe our stress and suffering mostly stems from “wrong thought.” Wrong- meaning we don’t suffer because of our outer life circumstances, that may be a small part of it, but we suffer because of what we think and say to ourselves about those circumstances. For example, if you’re foreclosing on your home, whether that’s due to personal “irresponsibility”, a bad loan, or the economy, who cares? The reality is your home is in foreclosure, and there’s nothing you can do about that now, except decide how you want to think and feel about it, and how are you going to move forward from here. You can look at your foreclosure as, “I’m losing my home, and this makes me homeless and a failure”, or “I’m walking away from this particular responsibility in my life to go to a different place now, a freer place with less up keep, less cost and less stress.” You essentially have a “do over.” We are all learning something through this. Banks, credit card companies, politicians, we are all in this together, and we all probably made some mistakes. Learn from the mistakes, yes, but don’t spend your energy and time dwelling in blame and depression because of those mistakes. Focus that precious energy in moving forward.
I don’t mean to imply that getting control of your thoughts and attitudes is a snap, because those suckers can be mean and stubborn, but that doesn’t make them true or effective either. Finding hope begins with being willing to focus your attention on the thoughts that work for you, and will motivate you to move forward. No easy task, because the mind -specifically the left hemisphere, is created to think, analyze and judge which can be very efficient and necessary at times. The problem is you have not been taught how to take control of the mind versus letting the mind control you. And sometimes life has a way of putting some pretty screwed up beliefs in there. However, if you’re still convinced that you need to blame and punish yourself, then my next question would be, “How effective can you be when you’re coming from a position that leaves you feeling defeated, angry and victimized?” That does not sound like a very powerful position to take in tough times, and it can feel very hopeless. Why not use the do over to ask yourself, “Who would I be, and what would I be doing at my most powerful, outrageous self?” When you imagine this vividly in your mind, how do you feel in your body and your energy level? I can almost hear that little, doubting voice in your head saying, “Now’s the time to buckle down and just suffer through this. I shouldn’t care about happiness or my dreams right now. I don’t deserve it.” Constantly analyzing how and why we are where we are isn’t going to change that we’re here. My field certainly teaches that it will, and so does mainstream society, but I haven’t seen either one of these approaches be extremely successful in changing people’s negative beliefs so they can take action towards his/her goals. Maybe the mistake you made was not paying attention to what your true potential is, and limiting your beliefs about what you could accomplish, so you focused on the wrong things. This doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure, it may mean you’re confused, and when you’re confused you can’t take powerful action, so you get limited results, and then you have the self-fulfilling prophecy that you don’t have enough potential. In the book A Return to Love author Marianne Williamson, makes the profound statement, “we are at our most powerful when we are sharing our innate gifts, and doing what makes us happy.” If you don’t believe that you can earn money or be successful doing what makes you happy, then you’re energy and actions will prove this belief. So, if you were asked the question, “Happiness is…..? What would you say?” I would be willing to bet most of us would say something like, “My family’s health and well being”, and/or, “my own health and well being.” Most people would probably agree that if any one of us had a child in Valley Children’s Hospital right now, we would give up a house, job, boat, car or status to be able bring that child home safely. I don’t think most of us would answer that happiness is working at a job I don’t like in order to pay off the things I don’t even care about or enjoy anymore. Why would God, the Universe, the Source, etc… give you a specific talent or gift, and then not give you the means to share it with others? In other words if your talent is working with children, why do you think you should be an accountant? I want an accountant who’s good with numbers, not one who’s only doing it because he/she thinks they can earn more money in this profession than as a musician. This doesn’t mean that I believe that happiness is the absence of sadness, hardship, anger or frustration. I think it’s the peace of mind knowing that in spite of these things, I can find something in my life to be grateful for, and to recognize that everything is temporary and maybe even necessary whether I like it or not.
There’s a whole body of research out there right now about happiness, and all of it is clear about a few things; One- unless you’re below the poverty line, people do not report significant differences in how happy they are. Dan Gilbert, a researcher on happiness spoke at the Ted Conference and quoted the findings that when questioning two groups of people - one group who had won the lottery, and the other group who had been paralyzed in an accident, and after one year both groups reported equal levels of happiness.. What this implicates is that we seem to have a set level of happiness that we will allow ourselves to be, and regardless of good or bad circumstances we go back to that same level of happiness. This suggests that it is what we tell ourselves about what happened, not actually the event itself that factors into how happy we will allow ourselves to be. I don’t believe happiness can be found, or worked for. You have to be willing to stop trying to control everything, and let yourself be happy regardless of how you think it should be, should’ve been, who’s to blame, what’s in your past, and worrying about the future that may never come, and isn’t here yet. Happiness is followed not found. I heard an analogy from Byron Katie that was straight forward, and so freeing for me. It went something like, “You can have the opinion I love flowers, and I hate weeds, but flowers die and weeds grow, and you’re opinion doesn’t change this.” I would also add, nor does God or the Universe need your approval or opinion for it to be so. So what are you going to do, get angry and sad and blame the flower or the weeds for not doing what you want? Are you going to run around putting Miracle Grow on the flower, watching it and watering it incessantly? Pleading and manipulating with it to stay alive because, “Everyone thinks you’re much prettier than the weed. Really it‘s better for everyone if you stay alive, and the weed dies.” Isn’t this what we do with people and situations in our lives when we think it’s, “bad, wrong or unfair?” Which basically means we aren’t getting what we believe is supposed to make us happy right now. What would happen, and how differently would you feel if you believed the thought, “Whatever is happening in my life right now is supposed to be, and I know this because it is.” How much would your hope increase if you could believe that the Universe, God or fate is working for you, not against you, and maybe you don’t know as much as you think you do?
All this being said, what do we do now, and where do we start in order to get where we want to go? I think the first place to start is by being willing to let go of unproductive, blaming and untrue thoughts. Write down the answers to these questions; How do I block my happiness? What are your beliefs about happiness that are holding you back? How happy will you allow yourself to be? Happiness is….? What are my strengths that I haven’t used in this particular situation? All of these questions as well as other uplifting information on happiness can be found on Robert Holden’s site www.happiness.co.uk. You can also listen to hundreds of uplifting, inspiring material on the mind, happiness and creativity on YouTube for free. The TED Conference has plenty of this material, and personally I feel a lot more inspired after listening to these speakers than I do watching depressing television shows about other people’s lives. Speakers like; Mattieu Ricard, Tony Robbins, Dan Gilbert, Jill Bolte Taylor and Sir Ken Robinson just to name a few, are all funny, entertaining and very uplifting speakers on how to tap into your happiness and creativity, getting control of negative thoughts, and following what you are truly passionate about in order to be more successful and fulfilled.
I’m going to leave you with a few parting questions that I heard Tony Robbins speak about; what could you be excited about right now? What could you be grateful for right now? How do you feel, speak and carry yourself when you think of these things? If you wanted to feel proud right now, what in your life could you be proud of right now? And lastly, my most favorite quotes by Robert Holden, PhD, “Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is.” Sometimes I think it’s harder to believe the good things than to believe the bad.
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